Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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