You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
