I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
