We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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