i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
