Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize