Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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