Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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