You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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