I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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