When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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