i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
