There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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