My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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