So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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