Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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