The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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