you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
