so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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