Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
