Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
