Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
