I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
