So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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