i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
