She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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