I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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