I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
