Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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