She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
