I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
