god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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