I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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