Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
