Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
pop tarts are not kleenex
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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