Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
