mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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