you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
