Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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