it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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