As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
