I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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