I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
