I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
