I just saw a hot homeless man
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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