My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
