I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
