there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
