my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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