If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
