I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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