He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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