I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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