I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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