last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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