today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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