Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
