apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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