as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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