I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
