How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
