No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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