feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
