words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
