I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
